Exhibit B, Cereal Monotony

Item B1: Lucky Charms

Mostly sugar, sculpted into multicolor shapes like rainbows (no reference to the Rainbow Curriculum, which argues for a multi-cultural educational approach in NYC schools), shamrocks, and little things that look like potatoes. Shamelessly appropriates the apparently Irish symbols of leprechaun, rainbow and pot of gold. I'm not sure where any of these symbols got their start. It seems the Mayans did better with gold than the Irish ever did, but, can you picture "Mayan Charms"?
(This item originally appeared at: http://www.users.interport.net/~napier/cp/culture.html)

Item B2:

Your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true--just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality:

If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, You're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up.

If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue diamond, Your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he/she really enjoys this, will he/she buy me that new car/mink coat?" is probably what's going through you mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love.

If your favorite shape is the orange star, You expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his/her time pleasing you and when you do something for him/her, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a goodtime. They often moan out their own names while making love.

If you like pink hearts, You're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear, and if he/she's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.

If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes -- he/she's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking, and who knows what could happen next?

If you're the yellow moon type, You're more interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express his/her needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the purple horseshoes out of his/her cereal as soon as she opens the box.

Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you prefer the little oat bits, You probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read this. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.

(This item originally appeared at: http://pace1.cts.mtu.edu:8000/lucky.html#top)

Item B3:

Another example I will talk about is cereal because cereal is very much bad a lot of the time. I will show that nothing could have created cereal except for science and technology because it is so devious and evil. For instance, take the cereal that is called Lucky Charms. Lucky Charms are 'magically delicious.' However, this could not be, because the person who is responsible for the magic behind the Lucky Charms is always shown as an animated person, and not a real person.

Thus, something else must be responsible for the so called magic of the 'magically delicious' Lucky Charms. I would also point out that I once knew a man who had a bad day after eating the Lucky Charms, which shows incontrovertibly that they are not lucky at all. Thus, we have shown that there is no magic or luck in the 'magically delicious' Lucky Charms. However, there are very small marshmallows that have more than one color and come in intricate shapes -- these are things which cannot be denied by us. However, we know that they cannot be magic. The only other thing which could have created them is science or technology, probably both. But wait, you say, what is wrong with small intricate marshmallows that have more than one color? Well, they are represented as being lucky, since they are part of Lucky Charms, and the only other part of Lucky Charms are the oat things, which are very ordinary, and so obviously not magic or lucky. Why they are in there confuses me because nobody likes to eat them. So, they must mean that the marshmallows are magical and lucky. But, they are not, because people have had bad days after eating the marshmallows. This means that either they believe that they have created lucky magical marshmallows, or they are lying to us. Whichever you believe is bad, because if they think the have created magical marshmallows, then they think that magic exists, which they don't think exists, since they are all scientists. Thus, they are hypocrites, which is bad. If they are simply lying to us about the marshmallows, then they are bad because they have told us a thing which is not true.

This is worse than the Tang, because at least Tang is orange, like orange juice. The marshmallows in Lucky Charms do not look 'magically delicious' at all.
(This item originally appeared at: http://www.tjhsst.edu/~ipeters/)